Many men worldwide support gender equality and believe they are making significant contributions. While some men are engaged in personal allyship through mentorship and professional relationships that support women, fewer are involved in public allyship, which involves actively advocating for fairness, respect, and equity in the workplace. This gap suggests that men need to take further steps to address inappropriate behaviour and champion change.
The Challenge of Confrontation
Addressing other men about sexism, bias, harassment, and other forms of inappropriate behaviour can be the most challenging aspect of male allyship, yet it is vitally important. Confronting deeply rooted masculine norms in the workplace can be intimidating, but it is necessary for achieving true gender equality. Confrontation involves bringing sexist attitudes and behaviours to the attention of men who may be unaware of the impact of their actions.
Why Men Must Address Misbehaviour
It is essential for men to call out other men when they witness demeaning, offensive, or harassing behaviour, even if it is unintentional. There are several reasons for this:
- Women who call out inappropriate behaviour often face negative evaluations and are perceived as less competent compared to men who do the same.
- When a man addresses bias or sexism, observers are more likely to be persuaded, as it appears more objective and less self-serving.
- The impact of a confrontation is often greater when it comes from someone within the same group. Men are more likely to heed criticism from other men, who can frame it as, “This is not who we are,” or “This is not what we do.”
- Many men fear they are the only ones objecting to sexist comments or jokes, even though evidence suggests many are offended. Speaking up can empower other male allies to voice their objections.
Effective Strategies for Confrontation
While the prospect of speaking up can be daunting, there are effective strategies that can make it easier. Here are six techniques to apply in workplace interactions:
1. Use the Two-Second Rule:
Combat the bystander effect by responding immediately to sexist comments or jokes. Use the “come again” technique: simply say “Come again?” to buy time to formulate a clear response, such as:
- “Are you sure you mean that?”
- “We don’t do that here.”
- “That was not funny.”
2. Own Your Statements:
When addressing another man, use clear I-statements to express how the behaviour affected you, rather than attributing it to the presence of women. For example, say, “I didn’t find that joke amusing. I don’t appreciate how it demeans women,” or “I’d appreciate it if you’d stop referring to our female colleagues as ‘girls.’ They are women.”
3. Use Socratic Questions:
A thoughtful question can disrupt gender bias and prompt self-reflection. For instance, if a woman’s idea is co-opted by a male colleague, ask, “How is that different from what [female colleague] suggested a few minutes ago?” This can remind everyone of the original source of the idea and encourage fair recognition.
4. Share Personal Experiences:
Sometimes, sharing how bias or sexism has affected someone close to you can be powerful. For example, “My wife experienced this at work, and it’s unacceptable. I don’t want women to experience that here.” This personal connection can make others see their behaviour in a new light.
5. Use Humour:
When appropriate, humour can be an effective tool, especially if you have an established relationship with the colleague. For example, if a man calls a female colleague “sweetheart,” you might say, “Do you call all your software developers ‘sweetheart’?” This can defuse tension while making a point.
6. Show Support:
Behaviour change is best achieved with a blend of challenge and reinforcement. Let the person know you are on their side and that your concern comes from a place of care. Have a direct conversation, using I-statements to express how their behaviour impacts you and others. Follow up with positive reinforcement when they show gender awareness.
Creating a Supportive Culture
Addressing other men about their behaviour is not about shaming or anger. It’s about fostering a culture of respect and equality. Sometimes, a private conversation will be more effective, especially with well-meaning but unaware colleagues. At other times, public confrontation is necessary, particularly if the behaviour is egregious or if the person is a repeat offender.
In Summary
Allyship and confronting inappropriate behaviour require courage, empathy, and a strategic approach. Leadership coaching can play a crucial role in guiding men to become effective allies. Coaches can provide the tools and support needed to navigate these challenging situations, fostering a culture of accountability and respect within the organisation.
At Global Coach Group, we are committed to helping businesses foster leadership excellence and create inclusive work environments. Through tailored coaching and development programmes, we support organisations in building resilient, motivated teams that drive long-term success.
For more information on how GCG UK can assist your leaders visit our Leadership Coaching page. Connect with our network of over 4,000 exceptional coaches to begin your leaders’ journey towards confident and effective leadership today.